Letting go a little bit

For those of you who have sent your first child to Kindergarten for the first time already, you know pretty much what I've been feeling this last week, If your child has a potentially life-threatening allergy then you might know exactly what I've been feeling this last week.

From the first time Ella had her first reaction to Peanut Butter at 15 months of age, I have not let down my guard very much, I've tried to stay relaxed, tried not to stress the things I can't control, but I have controlled the things I can pretty strictly. By paying attention to my instincts, (and by that I mean the promptings of the Spirit as well as my own logic etc.) we have managed to keep her alive and thriving and ready to go to Kindergarten.

She is anxious to get there, to be helpful to the teacher, to teach the other kids how to tie their shoes, to bring about World Peace in a day. I am anxious for her to go, anticipating the freedom that one less body, however small, allows on grocery shopping days etc.

I am also terrified, the two times she has had to receive emergency medical attention were both times I wasn't with her. In both cases, I guess it could have been me, I can be flaky with the best of them, I forget things all the time, but it is a testament to the gifts of intuition that come with motherhood that she hasn't had more reactions. So you can imagine that the prospect of her leaving my care, even for a few hours a day, gave me some anxiety.

If you are feeling anxious along with me right now I encourage you to take a deep breath and let it go, let it all go!

We met with the school nurse and Ella's new teacher last Friday, and I am breathing much more freely now. The Nurse was kind and direct and helped me to see that as food allergies have become more prominent they are used to dealing with all the precautions and remedies associated with the issues. The nurse was great, but surprisingly, the greatest relief came from a few simple words uttered by the teacher, who said "My son has a peanut allergy too." She is used to reading labels, scouting a group of children for signs and smells of PB, washing and wiping down tables and chairs, and though I am still preparing Ella in every way I can, I am no longer feeling the dread of letting her go.

This isn't the closest school to our home, it isn't technically even our school district (though only by a block or so) but for a variety of reasons we applied for and received a transfer for her to go to her new Elementary school. We were told that another Kindergarten teacher there was "the best teacher I have ever known, in any grade" and so of course I hoped that Ella would be assigned to that teacher. Thankfully I do not control the universe and now, when I cry a little tomorrow morning as I send Ella into class, it will only be the usual neurosis of a parent sending their little one off to the world.